Eurotrip 2: East vs. West

Charlie People

In between the summer and fall semesters, I spent another week in Amsterdam and a week in Lithuania. Amsterdam was the same as last year yet there were noticeably fewer Charlie people. I didn't define Charlie people in the first Eurotrip blog, so I will now. Charlie people stand around the Red Light District and Dam Square selling cocaine. They assume we are from England, where cocaine is known as 'Charlie' (as opposed to coke, blow, etc.). There were platoons of Charlie people saturating every block of the tourist areas last year. Their sales tactic is definitely a hard sell, as they don't accept obvious attempts to ignore them or just one 'no.' Anyway, they are still annoying and I have a personal resolution that, if I ever go back to Amsterdam, I will hit a Charlie person. A right hand to the chin for the first one to annoy me. My resolution is documented. I am on record.

Ivan Drago and The Bolsheviks

Anyway, I'm not spending too much time thinking about Amsterdam or I might end up with another flight booked, which is the last thing I need. I want to share my experience in Eastern Europe. I was in the former Soviet Union, our enemy for most of our parents' lives and almost half of mine. I love to characterize the American mentality during the Cold War with the brilliant film, Rocky IV. Remember how the evil Soviet machine produced the blond haired, blue-eyed Ivan Drago (played by Dolph Lundgren), the juiced-up mammoth who killed Apollo Creed in the ring (while Creed wore USA flag trunks). So the Italian Stallion had to come out of retirement despite doctors' warnings of brain injury to face Drago because he wanted to avenge his friend's death and score one for Team America – which he did by KO with his signature left hook in the final round.

Cold War propaganda from Hollywood was great! Remember the Bolsheviks? Not the political faction that ultimately formed the Communist Party in Russia. The Bolsheviks – the WWF tag team wrestlers Nikolai Volkoff and Boris Zukhov. They wore red leotards with the hammer and sickle logo, and Nikolai actually sang the National Anthem of the Soviet Union before each match. Wrestling has changed quite a bit, but back then wrestlers were clearly defined as either good guys or bad guys. And in the 80s, the Bolsheviks were definitely bad guys. Anyway, I first heard of Lithuania when it became the first country to secede from the Soviet Union. Where did I get this news as such a young boy? The WWF wrote it into the plot that Nikolai was Lithuanian. The Bolsheviks broke up because Boris was angry that Nikolai had abandoned the Communist creed while Nikolai resented Boris for the Soviets' brutal oppression of his countrymen. Not only did this break up the team, they had to fight! They fought in St. Louis at the Arena. I was there! Dad took Ryan and me, as we were devoted fans. So Boris entered the Arena first and was booed and jeered. We wanted to beat his pinko ass. Then, on the other side of the ring, a spotlight illuminates Nikolai waving a huge American flag. And the crowd goes wild! My Lithuanian buddies love to hear this story about the Lithuanian hero being cheered while waving the American flag just before he triumphed over Boris in the ring, just as capitalism triumphed over communism. Wow, I've gotten well off point here. I guess I wanted to provide some context in case you forgot who the designated bad guys were before 9/11, Bin Laden, the Taliban, and Iraqi insurgents. Side note: any American male who didn't watch wrestling as a kid is a pussy and should not be trusted.

Lietuva: E Sveikata!

So Chuck and I went to Lithuania to see Martynas, who we knew from college. Martynas spent six years in the states before returning to Lithuania. His country has plenty of opportunity for persons educated in business, as their open economy is flourishing. I knew Eastern Europe was growing, but I had never seen what a fast growing economy looks like. Martynas' tenth floor studio is in a brand new building. From the ground outside his building, I counted fifteen cranes on the horizon. Fifteen! If you see three cranes in downtown Clayton, you have major development. And here I could see fifteen in a town I had never heard of before I booked the flight there. It was ironic that, amid all this development and a brand new strip mall, Martynas' tenth story view was of the biggest, ugliest projects I've ever seen. Soviet-era government housing. Six-story, grimy grey concrete buildings stretching for at least a mile long and three hundred yards back. Old Town Vilnius is beautiful, but I wanted a postcard of this vast view of depression. It was awesome! Why don't they make postcards of that? Then I realized that there is some seriously hideous urban decay in North St. Louis that is interesting to look at. I guess the Arch, Cathedral, and Union Station is the only stuff that sells.

The contrast is remarkable. They have this long history of a Gross National Product equalling jackshit. Ugly evidence of that time lies right next to brand new, shiny, nice things. There are brand new luxury houses throughout the country with crazy modern architecture. One day we drove to a girl's brand new house in a brand new neighborhood that didn't have paved roads yet. They built a ton of big, nice houses and still had dirt roads! I went inside a brand new shopping mall that, although almost empty, was just as nice as South Coast Plaza in Orange County or the Galleria in Houston. All the hotels were booked in Polanga. We ended up renting a room in some local family's home. They sent their hot daughter to stand in the street with a sign to advertise. They are chasing that money. Restaurants had ten-page menus laminated and glossy with pictures of food (rare in Western Europe). Menus had full-page ads for beer brands and liquor companies. There were ads in restrooms for stretch-Hummer limo rentals complete with price schedules. There were video commercial billboards along streets in towns like Kaunas. Motion picture billboards aren't very widespread in America, but here they are in these small Lithuanian towns. In Western Europe, locals would be offended by such unabashed corporate advertising. It would be an appalling eyesore, disturbing to the natural beauty of the city. Not here. One club put the whole bar staff and waitresses in Bacardi uniforms. In Western Europe, this may be degrading or an invasion on the employees' personal style. Not here. I can see the owner with a big check from Bacardi in his hand saying to the employees, "This is what you're wearing, bitches." (In Lithuanian)

One day, Martynas pointed out some Soviet-era statues. Standing thirty feet high, a woman with long hair in a long dress is looking toward a man. The brawny man wears simple clothes, holding a hammer (I swear he was holding his hammer in one hand). He is gesturing forward with his other hand. From her posture, the woman seems skeptical. I asked Martynas what it means. "A better tomorrow or something." A better tomorrow? The better tomorrow is here - today! The better tomorrow is this shameless consumerism in a capitalistic orgy. Nobody had anything for a long time. And now they want everything.

The Eastern European Scowl

You don't really get the pacifist vibe of Western Europe in Lithuania. Guys are more likely to have muscles, wear a Nike sleeveless with a gold chain, and a disapproving scowl to top it off. They look like they are ready to kick some ass if the situation calls for it. I first noticed the scowl on the first bouncer at our first club on our first night. He was a spitting image of the stereotype of a Russian mob henchman. If he were put in a movie, he would be cast to play the role of Russian Thug 2. Martynas told me there were a lot more scowls around when he was younger, especially in his hometown of Kaunas. In fact, he was kind of an outcast because he wasn't a mainstream 'jumpsuit guy.' He described jumpsuit guys, actually mainstream when he was growing up, as guys with shaved heads wearing jumpsuits and gold chains that generally started trouble and got into lots of fights. In fact, he explained, if they're not getting into trouble then they're not having fun. I was actually mistaken for a jumpsuit guy at a club and almost refused entry. You see, I really had to pee so I was walking really fast ahead of my slow-as-shit friends. I bound up a few stairs and approached a crew of bouncers to pay the cover, eager for sweet bladder relief. All three bouncers stood up to block my way, speaking in Lithuanian. Clueless, I shook my head. (No comprendo?) The ringleader asked Martynas, "Jis normalus?" Is he normal? I have no idea what Martynas said. He probably told him that this American, although big, is actually quite a pussy with a glass jaw. He also has a pocket full of Litas to blow in a hopeless attempt to get laid. Whatever he said, it worked. Apparently the clubs don't want jumpsuit guys groping women and picking fights – I assume that's what they do because that is what the Lithuanian UMSL students did at our frat parties. And while I was not wearing a jumpsuit and gold chain (I must have left that uniform back in St. Louis), I do have a big bald head. But no scowl.

The Scowl vs. The Man-Bag

Martynas and I agree that the number of scowls is probably negatively correlated with economic growth. Another driving force in the reduction of scowls may be the man-bag. Like the jumpsuit guys, I had heard about this man-bag at Martynas' going-away party before I went to Lithuania. It's a miracle I remember anything because I was so shit-housed off vodka and Pilsner Urquell that I got into a head butting exchange with Pavel, which I lost. I was so wasted the next morning I missed the agreed-upon time to meet my mom and drive to Michigan. I woke up to her banging on my apartment door and let her in while I was still butt-ass naked. So I was really wasted during a conversation that went something like this:

Me: "I'm going to Lithuania."

Gedas: "E Sveikata!" (We do shots of vodka)

Me: "Martynas told me to stay away from the jumpsuit guys."

Gedas: "You'll be fine, man. The country is changing so much, man. There are so many fucking pussies, man. They wear these fucking bags with a strap. You know what I want to say?"

Me: "Like a man-purse?"

Gedas: "Yes! A fucking purse! They get this shit from France or I don't know. These fucking faggots with this goddamn purse. I want to beat these fucking faggots. They are ruining my country. Somebody should just fucking beat on these faggots. Just beat these faggots with the fucking purse." (Then we probably shoot more vodka and Pavel head-butts me)

Gedas was right. Not about using derogatory, homophobic language. He was right about the prevalence of man-bags in Lithuania. They were everywhere. I distinctly remember the first time I noticed. Two short, skinny guys came in the club wearing Euro-designer clothes. Each had one hand on the man-bag to steady it at the waist while walking. It looked ridiculous. The bags were tiny. They were big enough to hold a wallet and a cell phone. Maybe keys. There is more strap than bag. At least women's purses provide functionality, as women need so much more shit than us. Makeup, tampons, condoms, Midol, morning-after pills, vibrator, etc. But these man-bags were all show. And they will probably be a major reason for the Eastern European scowl becoming an endangered species someday. The man-bags vs. the scowl. This will determine the face of the future Eastern Europe.

Conclusion

To conclude, I prefer Eastern Europe to Western Europe. Why? Because the women look so much better and the business opportunity is so much greater. Overall however, Eurotrip 2 taught me that I don't really like Europe. If you read the Brazil blog, you'll recall my description of people being warm or cold. Europe is the fucking winter. Everybody is too cool for school. Nothing excites them and they don't care to meet you. I am not like that. I like to get excited and be crazy. I love to have fun and embrace people who are cool. I like good music and girls that are honest and upfront. While in Amsterdam, Chuck and I were waiting on a bus. We were going back to the hostel to regroup. Across the street was a hole-in-the-wall bar with no sign -- just the flag of Brazil. And at the entrance, two scantily clad garotas shaking up caipirinhas. Chuck and I beelined it over there to get a few drinks. By the time I left, I had made five or six friends - all Brazilian. I managed to meet like 12 Brazilians in Amsterdam. Eurotrip 2 reminded me that Latin America is where I want to be. Don't worry Martynas. If I do come to Europe, you can bet your ass I'll be within one country from you.

Miscellaneous

• The women in Lithuania are amazing - if you like slim, white women. I recall thinking that a full 60% of Lithuanian women, if moved to the US, would be in the top 10% here.
• The food is terrible. There is a reason there are no Lithuanian restaurants in America. You'll only see what I mean if you go there. After one meal, I told Martynas and Chuck that it was the best meal we had in Lithuania so far. Martynas was pissed because it was a Greek restaurant.
• The beer sucks too.
• The cost of partying is great. We got 2.25 Litas per 1 USD. I was buying bottles of champagne in one of the hotter clubs in downtown Vilnius and sharing with the gorgeous women. However, Lithuania will soon change to the Euro, which may hurt Americans' buying power.

Ivan Drago:



Russian Shanson - jumpsuit guys listen to this: