An Open Letter to the Panhandler

I know this is your most profitable season, but NO! How many times do I have to tell you? Probably 4-5 times per week, yet you still ask. Call me crazy, but I don't work so I can give my money away to strangers in the street. I was ingrained with a strong work ethic before puberty, but you wouldn't know anything about that. Furthermore, I have a college education. In Psychology 101, the first concept you learn is Skinner's operant conditioning. Operant conditioning is the use of consequences to modify the occurrence and form of behavior. For example, I will illustrate positive and negative reinforcement briefly using an example of a rat in a cage with a food tube and two buttons. When the rat uses its nose to push one button, cheese comes through the tube for the rat to eat. This positive reinforcement encourages the rat to hit that same button again. When the rat hits the second button, it gets shocked. This is negative reinforcement, a negative consequence of the rat's action. It doesn't take long for the rat to figure out which button to hit when it wants food and which button to never hit.

What's the point? If I ever gave you a dollar (which I won't), that positive reinforcement would encourage you to keep doing what you're doing. I would be paying you to ask people for free handouts, instead of getting a job and providing for yourself. This is why I would rather flush a dollar down the toilet than give it to you. Unfortunately, morons in this world pay you because they are intimidated by you or they actually think that giving you money is helping you out of your situation. Ideally, nobody would give you anything, ever. Then, two possible outcomes would occur: (1) you get a job and provide for yourself or (2) you starve and die. I'm OK with either one. Really, I'm cool with it.

This brings me to another point: the fact that I don't (nor shouldn't) give a fuck about you. In this era of George W. Bush as Americans, we live with compassionate conservatism. Do you know what that means? It means "Fuck you! Pay me!" I'm getting mine, fuck yours. Stranded on Delmar w/ no money for the bus? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! Slept in an alley last night? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! Haven't gotten high since yesterday and you're gonna get sick if you don't cop soon? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! Why would I? Seriously? Do you really think I should care? About you? If I start caring about other people besides myself, I'll start with kids born into third world poverty. Or Africans with AIDS. Or Tsunami victims. Or those suffering genocide in Sudan. But you? You're a fucking miracle. You have to go out of your way to be in your situation in America, the strongest economy in the world. Down on your luck, can't get a job? Bullshit, nobody buys that shit anymore. Latest estimates claim there are 12 million illegal immigrants in America now. Unlike you, just about all of them are uneducated, non-US citizens who don't speak English. If they can find work, you should be able to. But you don't want to. You are the reason I am pro-immigration. As long as there are bums like you as well as work that needs to be done, I say "Bring on the Mexicans!"

Aside from all this, I think you owe me money. Indirectly, you take dollars out of my pocket. The Loop Special Business District understands how you hurt business. By creating an undesirable environment that intimidates suburbanites, you shrink the potential market that would come to Delmar for dining, shopping, etc. Consumers subconsciously choose to go to the Galleria or other markets where they don't have to deal with urban problems like you. A decreased Loop market leads to less business in my restaurant, which leads to less tips for me. So fuck you, asshole. And next time I refuse to pay you and you say "God bless you" or "Have a good day," I want you to know that it's a good day when I don't get asked for money. Today is lost, but maybe there's hope for tomorrow. Merry fucking Christmas.